Who Are These Jewish Republicans?

Who are these Jewish Republicans? I am, and so are my friends and some of my family. We are the Jewish Republican Party Reptiles. We have read every book by P.J. O’Rourke, twice. We wake up to Dennis Prager in the morning and go to sleep to Michael Savage at night. We have seen every episode of South Park and rarely go to movies. We understand that Bush gumshoed the election and taradiddled us into war with Iraq, and that’s how we like it. We like to smoke in public and we don’t like gun control. We would still go hunting with Dick Cheney. We may not agree with everything the Bush administration does, but we voted for him anyway just to spite the liberals.

We walk with our Christian allies, even more so than with many of our own know-it-all Jewish brethren. Seventy-five percent of Jewish Americans are liberal, and a good portion of them are to the left of that. We have nothing in common with them or the ACLU except bagels and curly hair. Whoever said that Jews are a smart people got it wrong. Some of our own may call us traitors. Some of us are married to non-Jews and we like it that way. We aren’t worried about intermarriage nearly as much as we are about the same-sex kind.

We like guns that shoot around corners and strong missile defense. We believe in tax cuts and more military spending. We are Zionists and support Israel by keeping our mouths shut and our pocket books open. We no longer believe in the Samson option, we prefer the Israeli’s wipe their enemies out before it reaches that point. We want Moshiach now and are prepared to leave any “mostly cultural” Jew behind if we have to.

We have nothing in common with the Reform movement, but we still pray in their synagogues on Yom Kippur to make our mothers happy. The anything but “Conservative” Conservative movement doesn’t do it for us either. We love and learn with the Orthodox community as they agree with our morals and politics, but we struggle to go that far or have that many children. We are the free-agent Jews. We give our money to Chabad charities as they have never let us down. We love the Rebbe and immediately go to 770 as soon as we are in New York. We don’t live in New York City.

Some of us live in Texas or Michigan and are married to gorgeous blonde women. We have kids with names like Austin or Jess-belle who wear a yarmulke to the motocross and NASCAR races. Liberal girls don’t like us but they still sleep in our bed anyway. We like to drink every night, to life, liberty, and the American way, and all alcoholic beverages are kosher in our book.

We are the Jewish Republican Party Reptiles. We are the most comfortable and happy Jews who still struggle with God. We are the most blessed and we know it all too well. Our numbers are growing fast. We vote for the Republican ticket and win elections while our opponents are aborting all their voters. We are Jews of the Torah and not the Jews of “social justice”.  We are descendants of Jews who helped to build the USA. We say God bless Israel and America, and that’s it. We no longer dwell on Jewish guilt and we have nothing to apologize for. You may not like the JRPR’s, but if you took the time to read this, we bet you are one too.

I might add my own little “What is a Jewish Republican”. I speak only for myself, but I honestly believe that if you were to dress Osama bin Laden up as a unborn baby, Democrats would have him killed in a second, and would line up by the millions to do so and defend the right to do it! That’s only my opinion, I could be wrong.